It seems as though my last couple of blogs have been on the cloudy side. My time here has been anything but overcast (you see what I did there?). I'm learning so much about myself. I've changed how I view acting and, basically, how to live life.
I live with over 30 people, and work with many more, who come from all walks of life. One of our Stage Managers used to own a bakery and has just recently started working in the theatre. Our playwright in residence, who wrote "Princess and the Pea" that we just closed a couple of weeks ago and wrote (based on the book) "Call of the Wild" that we'll be doing in the fall, used to be a lawyer in New York. The year between her college and her Playerdom, Rebekah (another year round with me) worked at the Pennsylvania Renaissance Fair and Lenscrafters. In addition to their main jobs--acting, directing, coaching, stage managing, costuming, painting, building, dancing--these people are song writers, artists, writers, designers, bone marrow givers, Muslims, Jews, Christians, jugglers, instrumentalists, parents, grand-parents, homosexuals, Pagans, spouses, and the list goes on and on.
It's amazing how rich lives can be. I've learned here to dedicate fully to what you are doing, live in the moment, and always do it with passion. Never pass an opportunity up and never allow yourself to regret. The situations and events in our lives when we feel that useless emotion--regret--are what shape us into living breathing human beings.
Experience new, different, scary, terrifying, mortifying things. Our Player Projects are great examples of this. In our showings, which is nearly a week away, we are all doing the most scariest things we could think of. Even though this is making all of us quake in our boots and we may still be struggling with our skills, everyone's going to clap and cheer, because we tried. We're taking a leap towards fear, and are being congratulated for it. I wish all artistic communities I'll ever be a part of will enable me to face unknowns with abandon.
I've always taken myself too seriously, always been worried how I would be perceived and nervous that I wouldn't be good enough. That I would disappoint. You will always disappoint if you don't cannon ball--or bellyflop--in and try with all of your might. I used to feel sorry for people who "failed;" now, I'm envious of them.
I'm trying my hand at writing. First, I want to start with song writing, and, eventually, write stories or plays. In the past, I've tried to write or draw but stopped because I was my toughest critic; it wasn't good enough. I want to be able to express myself without the regard of other people. I want to experiment with being vulnerable. I'll probably fail, but at least I know I attempted. I want to just do something and hope there is beauty and art in my effort.
Don't worry, I haven't become some flighty arteest who wears all black and cuts herself. I'm still my regular old self; I'm just cultivating and embracing fearlessness.
If you're reading this, I really appreciate it. At first I started blogging to let y'all know how things were going, but now, writing and reflecting is very therapeutic.
Also, I'm coming home in a little less than two weeks. I can't wait to see you all!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Restlessness
You know that anxious restlessness that comes along with the end of summer? This year, it's hittin' hard. I don't know if it's because we've had more time off, or if my brain is confused and is nervous for the up coming school year (which, of course, isn't happening).
I've been antsy. I find myself driving to Bristol, the town 10 minutes away, to try to calm me down, but the endless trips to Target aren't the trick. I think I've always felt this way around August, but usually coined it as before-school jitters. But I'm not going back to school in 3 weeks like the rest of everyone else, I'm living life and becoming an adult. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It doesn't help we're going on vacation in 2 weeks. Everyone around here sees vacation as a light at the end of the tunnel. Not that we don't like the work we're doing (I'm still loving every day here), but most of us are in an artistic rut. The huge walls and barriers we knocked down at the beginning and middle of the summer were great leaps in furthering ourselves as great actors. Now, however, the walls are stronger and harder to overcome. This may be due to our lack of rehearsal where we get intense individual attention every single day, or maybe the constant go of being a Player is wearing on people. Whatever it is, we all seem to think vacation will be able to cure it.
During my Player Project meetings, I've had a hard time getting rid of my strengths so I can let a natural, unforced acting take it's place. My voice and my expression being some of them. Acting should flow freely and not be manipulated or indicated in anyway. However, for 22 years of my life, I depended on my voice, presence, and expression to show what I was feeling, not actually experience what was happening to the character.
My mentor keeps on me, making sure I have outward stillness and inward expansion. What does that mean? Well, think about it. When normal people speak, they don't frantically raise their eyebrows or make huge frowny faces (theatre and performance people excluded), and if they are it's coming from a real, truthful place. Nothing is contrived. Seriously, pay attention to yourself when paying attention to a conversation, you're not thinking "I should furrow my brow because this upsets me" or "I'm going to raise my eyebrows because I'm surprised." No, your face automatically responds to the emotion and psychological state of your being. Ok, that sounds a little new-age mumbo jumbo, but it's true. On stage, you don't need to be doing anything besides pursuing an action and being open and reacting to any and all stimulus. This is when performers become mesmerizing; the audience on edge wondering what the performer will do next.
I attribute my overuse of expression to show choir. Even my voice teacher in college would say "feel, don't show." It's so difficult. Every moment on stage I feel as if I look uninterested. I'm trying to hold on to a safety net, only letting go finger by finger.
On Sunday, my mentor told me to not indicate ANYTHING and pretend like my monologue was improv'd. It worked. Suddenly I was in the character. The lines I have known by heart for nearly a month were lost until the exact moment I needed them. I was in the moment and raising the stakes of the situation and finding problems my character had to solve. It was amazing. After about a 3 week slump, I was finally getting somewhere.
This was a little ray of sunshine on the otherwise tense and fidgety phase I'm going through. I would give anything to sit at a table outside, sip coffee (which I have grown quite fond of here), and watch passers by that have no connection with theatre. People who can remind me there is life outside of all of my acting shortcomings.
But, soon, this phase will end. Not only am I making steps towards acting improvement, but vacation is coming up sooner than we all realize and the summer is coming to a close. This means 9 Players leave our company, and there is only 6 of us left. I will miss all of the old and summer Players. Each and everyone of them has taught me so much. With them gone, the responsibilities weigh great on only 6 shoulders.
In three weeks, we will be running to the fear at full speed, and I'm ready to accept the challenge.
I've been antsy. I find myself driving to Bristol, the town 10 minutes away, to try to calm me down, but the endless trips to Target aren't the trick. I think I've always felt this way around August, but usually coined it as before-school jitters. But I'm not going back to school in 3 weeks like the rest of everyone else, I'm living life and becoming an adult. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It doesn't help we're going on vacation in 2 weeks. Everyone around here sees vacation as a light at the end of the tunnel. Not that we don't like the work we're doing (I'm still loving every day here), but most of us are in an artistic rut. The huge walls and barriers we knocked down at the beginning and middle of the summer were great leaps in furthering ourselves as great actors. Now, however, the walls are stronger and harder to overcome. This may be due to our lack of rehearsal where we get intense individual attention every single day, or maybe the constant go of being a Player is wearing on people. Whatever it is, we all seem to think vacation will be able to cure it.
During my Player Project meetings, I've had a hard time getting rid of my strengths so I can let a natural, unforced acting take it's place. My voice and my expression being some of them. Acting should flow freely and not be manipulated or indicated in anyway. However, for 22 years of my life, I depended on my voice, presence, and expression to show what I was feeling, not actually experience what was happening to the character.
My mentor keeps on me, making sure I have outward stillness and inward expansion. What does that mean? Well, think about it. When normal people speak, they don't frantically raise their eyebrows or make huge frowny faces (theatre and performance people excluded), and if they are it's coming from a real, truthful place. Nothing is contrived. Seriously, pay attention to yourself when paying attention to a conversation, you're not thinking "I should furrow my brow because this upsets me" or "I'm going to raise my eyebrows because I'm surprised." No, your face automatically responds to the emotion and psychological state of your being. Ok, that sounds a little new-age mumbo jumbo, but it's true. On stage, you don't need to be doing anything besides pursuing an action and being open and reacting to any and all stimulus. This is when performers become mesmerizing; the audience on edge wondering what the performer will do next.
I attribute my overuse of expression to show choir. Even my voice teacher in college would say "feel, don't show." It's so difficult. Every moment on stage I feel as if I look uninterested. I'm trying to hold on to a safety net, only letting go finger by finger.
On Sunday, my mentor told me to not indicate ANYTHING and pretend like my monologue was improv'd. It worked. Suddenly I was in the character. The lines I have known by heart for nearly a month were lost until the exact moment I needed them. I was in the moment and raising the stakes of the situation and finding problems my character had to solve. It was amazing. After about a 3 week slump, I was finally getting somewhere.
This was a little ray of sunshine on the otherwise tense and fidgety phase I'm going through. I would give anything to sit at a table outside, sip coffee (which I have grown quite fond of here), and watch passers by that have no connection with theatre. People who can remind me there is life outside of all of my acting shortcomings.
But, soon, this phase will end. Not only am I making steps towards acting improvement, but vacation is coming up sooner than we all realize and the summer is coming to a close. This means 9 Players leave our company, and there is only 6 of us left. I will miss all of the old and summer Players. Each and everyone of them has taught me so much. With them gone, the responsibilities weigh great on only 6 shoulders.
In three weeks, we will be running to the fear at full speed, and I'm ready to accept the challenge.
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