Restlessness

You know that anxious restlessness that comes along with the end of summer?  This year, it's hittin' hard.  I don't know if it's because we've had more time off, or if my brain is confused and is nervous for the up coming school year (which, of course, isn't happening).

I've been antsy.  I find myself driving to Bristol, the town 10 minutes away, to try to calm me down, but the endless trips to Target aren't the trick.  I think I've always felt this way around August, but usually coined it  as before-school jitters.  But I'm not going back to school in 3 weeks like the rest of everyone else, I'm living life and becoming an adult.  Is this what adulthood feels like?

It doesn't help we're going on vacation in 2 weeks.  Everyone around here sees vacation as a light at the end of the tunnel.  Not that we don't like the work we're doing (I'm still loving every day here), but most of us are in an artistic rut.  The huge walls and barriers we knocked down at the beginning and middle of the summer were great leaps in furthering ourselves as great actors.  Now, however, the walls are stronger and harder to overcome.  This may be due to our lack of rehearsal where we get intense individual attention every single day, or maybe the constant go of being a Player is wearing on people.  Whatever it is, we all seem to think vacation will be able to cure it.

During my Player Project meetings, I've had a hard time getting rid of my strengths so I can let a natural, unforced acting take it's place.  My voice and my expression being some of them.  Acting should flow freely and not be manipulated or indicated in anyway.  However, for 22 years of my life, I depended on my voice, presence, and expression to show what I was feeling, not actually experience what was happening to the character.

My mentor keeps on me, making sure I have outward stillness and inward expansion.  What does that mean?  Well, think about it.  When normal people speak, they don't frantically raise their eyebrows or make huge frowny faces (theatre and performance people excluded), and if they are it's coming from a real, truthful place.  Nothing is contrived.  Seriously, pay attention to yourself when paying attention to a conversation, you're not thinking "I should furrow my brow because this upsets me" or "I'm going to raise my eyebrows because I'm surprised."  No, your face automatically responds to the emotion and psychological state of your being.  Ok, that sounds a little new-age mumbo jumbo, but it's true.  On stage, you don't need to be doing anything besides pursuing an action and being open and reacting to any and all stimulus.  This is when performers become mesmerizing; the audience on edge wondering what the performer will do next.

I attribute my overuse of expression to show choir.  Even my voice teacher in college would say "feel, don't show."  It's so difficult.  Every moment on stage I feel as if I look uninterested.  I'm trying to hold on to a safety net, only letting go finger by finger.

On Sunday, my mentor told me to not indicate ANYTHING and pretend like my monologue was improv'd.  It worked.  Suddenly I was in the character.  The lines I have known by heart for nearly a month were lost until the exact moment I needed them.  I was in the moment and raising the stakes of the situation and finding problems my character had to solve.  It was amazing.  After about a 3 week slump, I was finally getting somewhere.

This was a little ray of sunshine on the otherwise tense and fidgety phase I'm going through.  I would give anything to sit at a table outside, sip coffee (which I have grown quite fond of here), and watch passers by that have no connection with theatre.  People who can remind me there is life outside of all of my acting shortcomings.

But, soon, this phase will end.  Not only am I making steps towards acting improvement, but vacation is coming up sooner than we all realize and the summer is coming to a close.  This means 9 Players leave our company, and there is only 6 of us left.  I will miss all of the old and summer Players.  Each and everyone of them has taught me so much.  With them gone, the responsibilities weigh great on only 6 shoulders.

In three weeks, we will be running to the fear at full speed, and I'm ready to accept the challenge.